Giving sweet little baby showers, lavishing cuddly pastel-colored gifts on an unsuspecting mother-to-be can be deceptive and can give a false sense of future happiness.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my children deeply, but raising them has been hard work. The nights are sleepless and the days never seem to end. A new mother doesn’t need beautiful baby outfits with matching hats and booties, she needs protection; the protection she can find in my newly designed line of “New Mother Apparel.”

The main piece of New Mother Apparel is a full-length, heavy duty rubber suit. This suit prevents stains on clothes and keeps junior from trying to nurse in public areas. Clean up is a breeze!   Just jump into the bathtub, shower off, and then continue your new life of drool and upchuck.

Rose-colored safety glasses are next. These glasses allow a new mom to see the world from a sweet perspective rather than her new reality. The glasses magically block out piles of dirty laundry, hay-bale sized dust balls, and stacks of dirty dishes piled high in the sink. Eyeballs are protected from all projectiles the adorable bumpkin may launch from his or her crib.

Specially fitted gloves have built-in thermometers able to indicate the proper temperature of baby food and foreheads which seem to only be feverish at 1 a.m. Mothers who wore them would be able to safely fish toothbrushes out of toilet bowls, pick up half-eaten teething biscuits from under the bed, scrape up Play Dough, and protect her hands from endless diapers that will have survive long after garbage dumps are turned into playgrounds.

New Mother Apparel would not be complete without a pair of knee high, steel-toed boots. These boots hide feet that haven’t had a pedicure since mother’s first contraction. The boots could even be used during the teenage years when you have to wade through all the wonderful stories they try to get you to swallow.

The bullet proof vest protects you from the endless comments made by others who say they love you, who just want to lead you in the right direction but just have to tell you what you’re doing wrong. These childless people feel it’s their absolute responsibility to direct you in the “correct” way to raise your child. This vest would deflect these comments and cause them to ricochet back down the throat of the person who said them.

For the future teenage years, you may choose to add-on a high-powered tazer. What’s the harm in a little jolt of electricity? So what if they fall down on the floor twitching. Watching this fete will bring back those “sweet” memories of the temper tantrums that occurred in the main aisle of Wal-Mart. They’ll recover and I’m sure they will soon return to their old ways of parental harassment.

The most important piece of the New Mother Apparel is the fitted case that protects your heart. This specially designed steel box allows only loving things to penetrate and sifts out all harsh words and disappointments. This special case protects your sanity, your well-being, and the love you feel for this little person. This special box will keep your heart safe and strong when you fear your child may be in danger and will overflow with joy when your child succeeds and is truly happy.

Held within this box is the secret that you are not alone on this new adventure called motherhood. God is walking with you and He will supply all your needs. God loves your child even more than you do with a love that you will never comprehend.

And amazingly-God loves you too.

Remember that.